It’s my birthday, motherf*ckers.
Hey world,
Today is my birthday (June 14th – Flag Day, National Bourbon Day, Donald Trump’s bday, etc., p.s. I expect presents next year and don’t be a shit about it), but I’m really feeling more like 973. Anyway, this is a list of crap I compiled while I was popping my zit this morning. You can take it with a grain of salt, but I’m telling you now, listen to it, cuz this ish is for real. I think most people in their 20s would feel the same looking back on their first quarter of life… and with this blog post, I grant you my limited words of advice.
Take My Wisdom:
1) Dating:
Don’t linger in a relationship in which you feel uncertain. If you are concerned about something in the relationship, if you’re not even really sure how much you like him, if your friends are unimpressed and they are REALLY trying to like him, your boyfriend is older but he lives in your college dorm with you and maybe you’re not entirely sure where he actually lives, if you are embarrassed to have him meet your parents, if you’re not even sure you find him attractive, etc. Does this sound like you? If so, get out and don’t look back. I hate the fact that my mother is always right about things like this, but hindsight is a bitch and she got plenta that. Get out and run like hell. Don’t ponder on the break up. Don’t wonder if you’re doing the right thing. You are. Now slowly back away from the vehicle with your hands up, even if he cries or tells you he’s in love with you. I mean he might be, but you REALLY hate his shoes, right? Right. It’s just not happening. Just GO. Why waste the beauty of your 20s? Those boobs ain’t gonna stay fresh forever. Just saying.
2) “Jobs” After College – I’m Sorry:
You’re going to have a REALLY shitty job coming out of college if you’re in the arts. I’m sure everyone has told you that thus far, but seriously, please believe them, because it is unwaveringly, undoubtedly true. It ain’t gonna happen. You might make $30,000 being a receptionist at a “really cool company” with the opportunity to “move up”, but you’re still going to be making $30,000 as your friends who graduated from finance, business school or real estate make double, triple or sadly, even quadruple what you make. This is the bed you made and now you have to lie in it. If you weren’t in the “Arts” in college, you will still have a really shitty first job. It’s just the way of the world. I’m sorry, it’s unfair, we all went to good colleges, we’re all really capable and smart, etc. It sucks, get over it and put your time in. Like I said, I’m sorry. It is BALLZ.
3) Being Awesome:
Find something you’re really good at doing. Find something you really love to do. If you can combine those two things, you’ve won! If you can’t, at least excel in them and make one your job and one your hobby. There’s nothing worse than meeting someone who goes to a job they don’t like and comes home to watch reality TV and maybe goes to happy hours 3 days a week. Don’t suck, please don’t suck.
4) The Housing Sitch:
Live wherever is cheapest. Don’t romanticize an insane living situation. Save your money and live somewhere affordable and convenient enough. I’m not saying live in the boonies or somewhere with black mold, but I will say I shared a bedroom that is smaller than a porta-potty with another girl for about 6 months. I’m not rich now, but I ain’t po’ either. Definitely made me appreciate the 8’x6′ room I currently call “The Palace”…
5) Leggings:
I don’t care what Oprah says, leggings are pants as long as you’re not wearing a tight and/or skimpy shirt. If you have skinny legs, leggings are always pants; everyone else will hate you, but do what you must and just, like, don’t be a jerk. If you have… let’s gingerly say “bigger” legs, leggings are not pants, no matter what. Please, please don’t embarrass yourself like that – there’s no reason and no excuses. Fo’ serious.
6) Don’t Listen to Other People:
Sometimes you shouldn’t listen to your friends. Does something about yourself bother you? You feel like your legs are “bigger” (see #5)? You don’t like your hairline? You think you’re a crappy small-talker? Your friends will say, “you’re beautiful!” etc. and mean it, but to a certain extent… not really mean it because they don’t want to upset you or because the truth fuggin hurts dude. If you’re unhappy, change what you’re unhappy with. You’re only asking your friends because you want them to tell you nothing is actually wrong, but by bringing it up you know there is something wrong. Something is wrong. Fix it. Don’t ask other people’s opinions. Just do it.
7) YOLO is not real:
Life is actually VERY long. Yolo is not a real thing. I’m TELLLLLING you. That extra tab of acid at Coachella is just NOT WORTH IT, but hey, if Joshua Jackson is around, I’m sure it’s not a bad idea.
I know you looked at my ass, Joshua Jackson.
I was the girl in the gold bodysuit in VIP, so everyone was looking at my ass, BUT(T) STILL:
I know what you did at Coachella.
8) College:
Use college better. If there’s one thing I regret, it’s not taking advantage of my *free (*college is expensive as shit and most of us will have to pay it back for awhile afterward… hence why you should be using your resources!) resources at all hours of everyday. Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating here a bit as there has to be time for tomfoolery and general debauchery, but don’t gain 20 pounds after discovering marijuana and stop going to all of your Friday classes. I’m not saying that I’ve learned this from firsthand experience (cough), but I am saying that it’s not worth it. Professors will respect you and think fondly of you if you make one-on-one appointments or drop by for office hours. It’s totally worth it to have them on your team. Drink, party, make out with that guy (What’s his name again? But he was cute right? That guy with the mole in Theta Delt? No. He was certainly not cute.), do whatever you think is right in your heart of hearts, but for the love of Britney, please be more productive as a human being. There are people without clean drinking water. Don’t be an asshole.
9) No Thumb Rings.
No.
10) Hair and Underwair (see what I did there?):
Your hair will always look better if you do it. If you think it looks greasy, it looks greasy. Take a shower. Baby powder substitute for shower is only acceptable for up to 12 hours. Also, turning your underwear inside out lasts as long as you need it to or until you get access to a clean pair. Also, you’re gross.
11) Being Pale:
If you are pale, I’m sorry. I’m not talking about a light shade of white, I’m talking about semi-translucent, wears SPF 100+, gets burnt by the moonlight, etc. DO NOT PUT BRONZER ON JUST YOUR FACE. The jig is up and everyone already knows that you’re pale. If you can’t own it, you’ll end up looking like an Oompa Loompa. Get Jergens or look like a Jerk-kid… Did that work? Moving on…
See color difference between my face and my arm – I was really cool in high school.
I’m sorry, I’ll get Photoshop soon.
12) Travel:
Study abroad. My second biggest regret in college (see #8) was not studying abroad. Don’t be a pansy.
… and last but not least, Number 13 (Hey, I can’t be here all day. After all, it’s my f*cking birthday and I’m pretending to have something better to do than starting a blog on my birthday)…
13) It’s OK to be YOU!:
I’m not the most normal human (see title photo) and I never will be. Maybe I tried to fit into social circles that didn’t suit me and that’s ok as it’s all part of the process of figuring out who you really are deep down inside. If you’re doing something because you think it’ll make you seem cooler or because you think that someone who you think is cooler than you will see you doing it and/or check your Instagram photos and then think you’re cool by transitive property, you’re wrong. They don’t care. We all don’t care. Also, I just said transitive property, just so you all know how cool I am. Figuring out who and what you are is a scary and challenging thing. It’s like quitting cigarettes – you won’t be able to do it unless you decide you want to. I just ended that sentence with a preposition just to prove to you how much of a rogue I am – see what I mean about trying to be cool? Anyway, in figuring it out, you might appear in a music video where you duct-tape your nipple so it “doesn’t count” as nudity. No, really, if you can’t see the nip, it doesn’t count (yet again, see #8).
Nip not shown.
View the full video here:
It’s ok to lose friends along the way. If they don’t like the real you, what’s the point? But if he’s hot and he’s also a guy, I take back what I just said. Listen, at the end of the day, everyone will still have that picture of you from when you wore a fishnet shirt and a silk quasi-stripper hat to a Sweet 16, because the invite said to dress “funky”… (A PHOTO FOR THIS WILL BE COMING SOON AND I ALREADY HATE MYSELF FOR POSTING IT.) You can’t hide who you really are, so don’t try. Just embrace the beauty inside yourself and be YOU.
You are awesome.
Love forever and always,
Goldwoman
The Goldwoman 